Life hasn't been great lately and I have subconsciously put aside my "always look for the positive" mindset and have been in quite the funk lately!
Being sick started it all. It was frustrating and difficult to be that sick at that time in the school year. This wasn't a one time thing either. It happened to be my third time being so sick that I was forced to miss weeks of school. "Not Fair!" was all I kept saying.
My heart was torn though.
I have so many important people in my life who, for good reason, would have had no tolerance if they were to hear my complaints. Strong-willed, inspirational people like my AK who have been so so so sick and have done nothing but turn it into positives in her life. She glides through life in gorgeous sweaters and flowing skirts, only allowing everyone to see how truly happy she is.
I mean really, was it a convenient for my dad, as a 38 year old father of two, to realize that his days might be numbered and seeing his two little girls grow up might not be in his plan? Is that not fair or is it not fair that I was sleepy and had a really bad sore throat?
..perspective.
Going back to school to try and complete some finals only brought chaos. Snow, ice, no power, etc. I left school in a "funny place" as the realization that I might not be happy there started to surface. My mom and I got on the elevator (with a HUGE bin full of my belongings that I "just couldn't live without over break")and I broke down in tears as she tried to rap her arms around her baby and all that I was sad about.
Being home wasn't bringing anything but more problems into my life.
Silly boy and girl friend problems that, in my little world, are a HUGE, HUGE deal. I left behind problems at school that would only get worse having 5 weeks of break and entered a world full of more, different friend problems and drama. Enough about that though.
I was mostly stuck on the idea of our Christmas schedule this year. Last year things were different because it was "my last year home" and my dad's family Christmas was to be held at our house since Nana was so sick. It was my realization that I wasn't a kid anymore. This year proved that to be true. B and J were not coming up this year for Christmas which meant no typical Christmas morning. We went down to visit them and had a really nice time. B was right though, it is time for her to make her own traditions with J. I mean I knew there would come a day where this would change, but it just felt a little funny. Due to a few things, we didn't get a tree this year so that added to the funniness of the actual morning. Despite all of these thing mom, dad, and myself had a nice cozy morning of present opening! We then went to my aunt's house where things started to unravel for me. Nana had been mentioned a few times while we were there and I tried not to let it bother me. During a conversation about my jewelry I pulled up my sleeve to show my cousins the nice bracelet Nana had bought me and I couldn't find it anywhere on my wrist. Within milliseconds I was sobbing. I hadn't taken anything from my Nana's house because I had my jewelry set from her, which meant more to me than any knick-knack I could have found in her house. I originally was saving the set for special occasions, but after wearing it to her wake I decided I would NEVER remove it, just like the others my parents and B had bought for me.(It hurts way to much to even try and look for it and it hasn't just popped up, so please pray that it will turn up somewhere soon!) The following Saturday we had my dad's family Christmas at my other aunt's house. It was a new location and process.(even new to the new one the year before at my house.) Its hard to adjust after 16 or 17 years of the same thing.
All I could think about was our old Christmas times:
The 3 foot tree, so poorly decorated that was pulled, fully adorned from some closet upstairs and was shoved in the corner on some little table.
The "special" job of sorting the presents by family.
The certain places in the room that each family was to sit and open their gifts.
The "boxes of s%*!#" that Nana always gave us which included everything from lipstick containers to huge bottles of Elmers glue.
The one year all the girls got thongs and hair removal kits as separate gifts!?
My favorite: The food assortment. The bowl of super salty potato chips and the boxes of chocolate frozen from God only knows when that you couldn't help but keep eating from no matter if there was the funny taste.
And the last. Remembering leaving in the crisp Christmas Eve air, looking up at the sky as my dad held the Lincoln door open for me thinking how happy I was and how I needed to get home and get to sleep!
The first Christmas without Nan was a difficult one for many reasons and I miss her and her silly ways everyday!
Pray for God's peace to find its way into my heart and mind as all these little things have taken quite the toll on my emotional, over-tired self.
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